Jag ber om ursäkt, återigen, för befintliga

• Macintosh laptops. Even the cheap one’s run over $1000. Everyone has one. Every single person that’s ever been paid on the island of Manhattan for writing on the Internet has a Mac. ha. ha. ha. ha. Ha. There is a noticeable disdain emanating from the peanut gallery of every coffee shop in Brooklyn where I’ve had the temerity to bring my $450 Compaq to write. A tumblr anon once wrote me after I had posted something sarcastic about Mac computers to say (I’m paraphrasing but not much): “You can tell people with Macintosh computers are more creative and artistic than those drones with PC’s.” I rest my case.
• A tote bag. They don’t need to look like this, but that’s the general idea. A single strap draped across a shoulder shows you mean business. Blogger business. It’s preferable if the bag is worn out, or at least lined with corduroy or felt of some sort so the tiny Mac doesn’t bruise while it’s inside. But who are we kidding; bloggers aren’t the most rambunctious lot, and any bruising would only occur if they drank a little too much micro brew at Destination or Botanica bar. Backpacks (like the one I own) fall into the PC sphere, since all the reference books bloggers carry around would surely give them scoliosis.
• Lisa Loeb glasses or some such iteration. You don’t necessarily need to have poor eyesight either. Sure, I have astigmatism that requires I wear glasses when I’m typing away at work, or else I get pounding headaches (think of Sawyer reading all those books on the island). If you are the lucky blogger who can stare at a Mac all day without it affecting your vision, then you might want to pick up some glasses anyway because you’ll lack the requisite look to be taken seriously as a blogger cause célébre. Think Alex Pareene over at Salon. Remember though, regardless of your glasses, you won’t be as talented a blogger as him, you’ll just look like you are (an important distinction).
• Casual clothing that can also fly at a business meeting. A lot of bloggers are moving up in the world, even the crazy one’s you don’t understand. Your wardrobe needs to be comfortable enough for home but formal enough to lunch with VC’s at Balthazar. Sweaters are nice in the fall and spring, preferably without that wine stain from New Years. Skinny pre-worn (looking) jeans might appear to be another tired cliche from your neighborhood, but if it’s comfortable it’ll still look good south of Houston street. Make sure they’re designer jeans though, as regular denim falls apart easily, and anything but pre-made holes just means you’re holding a sign in the Union Square turnstile. Wear boots that say: I can totally go camping upstate and also be comfortable. If anyone asks where you got your footwear, you should lie and say Housing Works vintage, but we all know they’re $300 shoes from Maryam Nassir Zadeh, Assembly or Mooshoes. Under no circumstances are you to wear a jersey, unless you’re tight with a sports blogger bro, and you’re rocking a jersey for an athlete that was famous before you were born (most up and coming bloggers are young, so this shouldn’t be too hard).
• For the men: beards or at least some scruff. Depends on your crowd, but a lack of facial hair can be the end of your blogging career. Go a few days without shaving so you have that just got out of bed look, which says simultaneously: ‘I’m a blogger and don’t need to shave, but I’m also so busy blogging I don’t have time to shave; I can barely even shower.’ Same goes for the hair. If you need gel, keep it to a minimum and don’t let others know. Gel is for the thick-necked white button downs north of 59th st, not for bloggers. Even if you spend an hour every morning getting ready to go to your desk in the living room of your apartment, that hour should be spent attempting to be slovenly. It’s the blogger ethos.
• A nice writing desk. Nothing fancy here. No mahogany necessary since that would drastically lower your blogger Q rating. A nice hand carved desk from 3rd ward will do. Make sure to tip those bros (they do excellent work). Also…
• A really comfortable chair. I’ve seen a couple video posts from some famous Tumblr heshers and their chairs look ergonomic enough for even the most meth addicted truck driver to catch a quick afternoon nap. Don’t ever blog from your bed because if a commenter gets all sassy that’s the first thing they’ll accuse you of.  Beds are for amateurs and you’re in this blogging game for the money and prestige (not to mention free Hors d’œuvres and beer at the parties).
• Junk food. It’s very hip these days to be a binge candy eater. I have no idea what spawned this idea, but I guess the sugar is nice if you’re not lucky enough to have a script for Adderall. Cigarettes are hard because then you’ll have to admit you smoke inside your apartment while you blog, and Balk’s totally 2005. If you are a smoker though, don’t hide it. It’s still handy at parties when you want to network with the older bloggers since they all smoke. For the love of God avoid Menthol. You’re not sitting on a rocking chair swilling gin, you’re a freaking BLOGGER! Act like one.
• A spliff. A one-hitter (or battie as the kids are calling them) is sufficient, but a spliff shows craftsmanship, and more than just a passing understanding of youth culture. A spliff says: “yea I’m talented at getting high, but I do it regally, and I still have a lot going on with my life and don’t need to get high.” Plus, it’s always handy if you meet a lady or a guy you want to sleep with at blogger parties. Cocaine is rife with dire consequences (not the least of which is death from stepped on crap), so it’s best to stick with the marijuana.
• LATE EDITION: CATS! h/t Mole Man - a rising blog star in his own right.

There. You’re ready to be a blogger. Go forth and blog.